Instead of judging yourself harshly when you …. feel angry 

Appreciate that anger is information. Anger tells you that you are reaching a tolerance limit and you need something. You may need distance from someone or something. You may need to take action, adjust course, or need to eat, rest or connect with someone for support.

Instead of judging yourself harshly when you …. make a mistake 

Expect that life will always be a mixture of successes and failures. We all make mistakes at times. We will continue to make mistakes. If you are unconsciously expecting that you as a person are “wrong” because of a past mistake, that’s not accurate. “Who” you are is not a static thing. Time is long. Who you are can be ever-changing.

Instead of judging yourself harshly when you …. feel a vulnerable emotion 

Remember that needs and vulnerabilities don’t make us wrong – they make us real and connectable. Have compassion for your needs for support and connection. You aren’t meant to “go it alone” all the time. We can misinterpret circumstances to mean we shouldn’t ask for support – but that’s the judgment talking. We all need support at times. And those vulnerabilities present our best opportunities to connect with others. When was the last time you bonded with someone over your shared perfection? Our common struggles are often where we feel our greatest connection.

Instead of judging yourself harshly when you …. feel “not good enough” 

Think about what perspective you are taking. We’re all doing the best we know how to do. If you are feeling this much unhappiness with yourself (i.e. this much judgment of yourself), often it is because your attention is not within yourself. You are taking an external perspective and not living within yourself. When you stay connected within yourself (which can start by closing your eyes and be curious about anything you feel), you end-run self-judgment at its root. We can only judge ourselves to be “less than” when look to external ideals.

Instead of judging yourself harshly when you …. feel rejected 

Stay connected to yourself. Be your own leader and friend. This takes some advanced self-compassion skill, but compassion is absolutely what you deserve in the face of rejection. Others may reject you. But you don’t have to reject yourself. Feeling “rejected” means you’ve joined whoever rejected you, and turned your back on yourself. Stand with yourself, even if feels like everyone else is against you.

Jessica Kiesler
Jessica Kiesler

Over the last 20 years, Jessica has helped hundreds of busy adults create more balance within and with others. She received her master’s degree in applied psychology from New York University, and completed mediation training at the Columbia University School of Law. She has held numerous clinical roles, managed clinical operations for a national EAP, and advised executives on employee-relations concerns at Fortune 1000 companies.